How Do I Know? 

How do I know You love me?

There are days I wonder if You do

My heart is overwhelmed with grief,

And I question if Your love is true

 

Sometimes the card

That I've been handed

Feels too much for me to bear,

And I take my life for granted

 

Life is full of suffering

Is there no repose?

Or is this the path

You for me have chose?

 

I do not see Your goodness

Or Your mercy for each day

If feels like You're against me

Every step of the way.

 

My faith is weak

My eyes are blind

I have no
Peace of mind

 

I raise my sightless

Eyes to Thee

Dear Lord, I pray

Open my eyes that I may see

 

Allow me a glimpse

Beyond the moment here

Reach out to me and

Draw me near

 

Lord, guide me through

My rising fears

Help me smile

Amidst my tears

 

Let my soul

Rise up in hope

And find in Thee

All I have hoped

a.m.d.

 



The Way He Sees You

As I travel my own personal journey of discovering who I am in Christ, it pains my heart to see so many of my fellow sisters battling many of the same battles I have faced and continue to face to this very day. The enemy of our souls loves nothing better than to keep the daughters of God held captive, for then he has nothing to fear. But what if a generation of young women dare to rise up, dare to be different, dare to stand against the status quo? What if they dared to believe the truth and dared to believe and become who God had created and had always meant for them to be? 

The world has come to define us as little more than objects that are to be put out on display, and we have bought into the lies that our beauty is defined by how we look and how we dress. The models of today are held up as standards of perfection, impossible for the human body to attain. Ironically, the models themselves fail to meet the standard society demands. In order to mask the human flaws of imperfection, their images are digitally manipulated until the result no longer bears the reflection of the individual. There is no mercy in the fashion industry. There is no room for imperfection. It is no wonder we have a generation of young women who are desperately giving themselves over to a society who promises to fulfill their deepest unmet longings, and yet leaves them coming up empty every single time. Society heaps its demands opon us, and we give until we have nothing left to give. And what does society do for us then? Nothing. They turn their heads and toss us to the side, leaving us broken and bleeding with wounds that refuse to heal and  souls that refuse to be comforted.

"What then?" we ask. "What hope is there? When that which has promised so much turns its back on us instead?"

It is in this place of brokenness where the Master can whisper the worth of a soul by a simple touch of the Master's hand.

If there was anything I could do, it would be to tell my sister this:

Dear Princess,

Yes, you are a princess, a daughter of the King. Did you know that? It is true. I want to tell you a story, a story that happened long, long ago, but happened nontheless. I hope you stay awhile and listen as I tell it.

Once upon a time, there was a King, and this King dreamed you into being. He formed you in your mother's womb. He knitted and fashioned you together when no one, no one,  not even your own mother, yet knew of your existence. But He knew. And He saw you in that darkest, most secret place. Listen to what He says to you. "My love, I have examined your heart, and I know all there is to know about you. I know when you sit down or when you stand up. I know you're thoughts even when you're far away (and that means even when you have shut down and feel a million miles away). I see you when you travel and when you rest at home. I know everything you do. I know what you are going to say even before you say it, my love. I go before you and follow you. I place my hand of blessing on your head. Nothing can ever separate you from my Spirit! Nothing can ever take you away from My presence! If you go up to heaven, I am there; if you go down to the grave, I am there. If you ride the wings of the morning, even if you dwell by the farthest oceans, even there my hand will guide you, and my strength shall support you. You could ask the darkness to hide you and the light around you to become night - but even in darkness you are not hid from me. To me the night shines as bright as day. Darkness and light are the same to me. I made all the delicate inner parts of you body and knit you together in your mother's womb. Thank Me for making you so wonderfully complex! My workmanship is marvelous - how well I want you to know it. I watched you as you were being formed in utter seclusion as you were woven together in the dark of the womb. I saw you before you were ever born. Your presence was not hid from me. Every day of your life was recorded in my book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed. How precious are my thoughts about you, my child. They cannot be numbered! You can't even count them; They outnumber the grains of sand! And when you wake up, I am still with you!"

It is He who calls your name, ever gently still. And it is He who beckons you in tender tones. Will you not answer Him? It is in His arms you will find yourself wrapped in a love that will never let you go. Let yourself fall...fall into His grace...just like a child.

~ Your Sister

There's A Gap

I have found a song. I have found a place to fall--that place is grace. Falling like the rain, I will fall into grace...like a child I am...

What do I do here in the waiting?

What do I do with my unsatisfied heart?

What do I do here in the waiting

Here in the tension of believing again and again?

'Cause there's a lack

There's a gap in my soul

Between the things

That I believe and I know.

So...Holy Spirit

You who fill all in all

Come and fill me.

Holy Spirit, come hold me together.

So I fall into grace again

So I fall into grace again

So I fall into grace again

Like a child I am, Like a child I am.

~ Laura Hackett

When You Can't Forgive Yourself

Has there ever been a point in your life where you felt forgiveness was just too good to be true? When you knew that God had forgiven you, but you just couldn’t let yourself off the hook and forgive you? Maybe that is where you are right now.

Dear sister, I too find this place all too familiar, and it is a place where I have spent most of my life. It is a self-destructive place to be, and it is only now that I am realizing that I am the only person who can change that. For years I have carried a burden of guilt and shame so great it has nearly destroyed me. But I have decided that is to be no longer. I claim the words that Jesus spoke, “So if the Son sets you free you will be free indeed!” (John 8:36). When I reached the end of myself, I cried out to the Father in my brokenness, and He came and lifted me up. My sin and shame is now buried at the foot of His cross. In place of fear I now lift my face to His and feel the warmth of His love light shining upon me. His love has freed me. For He promises that His blood cleanses me from all my sin, and He is faithful and just to forgive my sin and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness” (I John 1:7-9).

Receiving forgiveness can be so difficult for us, especially if we do not see ourselves through His eyes. Did you know that the Father loves you just as much as He loves Jesus?! Jesus has come, and He has given you the glory of His Father. He desires for you to come and be with Him where He is (John 17:22-24). The light of His love is shining upon you. Open your mind and heart to receive His heavenly smile of approval. Let His love, tinged with gold, wash over you and soak into the depths of your being. Listen to this message of hope from the Psalms:

“Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to you for refuge…I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in hope. For you will not leave my soul among the dead…You will show me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence” (Ps. 16:8-11).

Is it difficult for you to grasp that there is a God who truly loves you and embraces you where you are? Dearest sister, that has been a battle my soul has grappled with as well. Can you identify with the one who reveals, “It’s hard for me to grasp just how high and wide and deep God’s love is for me. He doesn’t love like I love. He loves unconditionally.” That’s it exactly! God loves us without limitations. Higher, wider, and deeper than we could possibly imagine. “I finally opened my eyes to the Lord and realized that I didn’t ‘find’ Him. He was never lost—I was” (Liz Curtis Higgs in Embrace Grace).

A question to ponder is “If you imagined Jesus looking at you, what might you see in His eyes? Is this a scary question for you? Dear sister, can you, even if for a moment, look through God’s lenses as to how He sees you, rather than through the lenses of how you see yourself? As I ponder this question for myself, I found that my response answered back in the form of questions: “Would I see tears? Tears that were being shed for me? Would I see compassion? Would I see Love walking towards me, Love looking into my eyes? These are the questions I ask, and my heart leads me to the answer of yes, I would see all I have ever hoped and longed for in His eyes looking into mine.

To Him who loves us abundantly more than we could ever ask or think, to Him be the glory and the honor and the praise forever!

Child of God

I paint on the face

I strap on the heels

I shut down my heart

So it won't have to feel

The hands that don't know me

All over my skin

And the eyes that don't love me

Drinking me in.

Under this make-up

I'm black and blue

The petals were crushed

Before I could bloom

I didn't choose this

No one ever would

And I'd break these chains

If only I could.

I'm a child of God

I hide in plain sight

I'm a child of God

Slave to the night

Powerless, broken,

Abandoned, abused

Do you see a child of God

Or just a prostitute?

The world looks away

And calls me a whore

And each day I die

Just a little bit more

A disposable person

To keep at arm's length

Human trash...

Is that what you think?

What I've become

Is not who I am

We both were created

By the very same hand

I'm a child of God

I hide in plain sight

I'm a child of God

Slave to the night

Powerless, broken,

Abandoned, abused

Do you see a child of God

Or just a prostitute?

-Steve Siler

Transparent Heart

Have you ever felt the fear that if people really knew you, that if they really discovered the “real” you, that they wouldn't love you? I have, often. Yet I find that when I dare to speak out, it gives others the courage to speak out as well. I once read that the reason we tell our stories is to give courage to others to share theirs. Thus, we find that we are not alone in our battles.

This morning in Sunday school it hit me when I heard the statement that how we gird ourselves with the belt of truth is by being honest with God and with people. I can handle the being honest with God part - He knows it all anyway. But people? In my shame, I tend to hide. I avoid the very people I need to love me the most. But, this is a very lonely, very desolate place to be, one where my heart begins to shut down and leaves only a dull ache in its stead.

During class, we never got to the third question in our discussion where it asked if someone would be willing to share a recent time when the Spirit convicted you, and gave you the opportunity to practice 1 John 1:9 - " But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

I would like to share with you a time how I personally experienced this a couple weeks prior on what happened to be a Sunday as well. I was having a difficult day. I was struggling. I felt shame. I felt unworthiness. And Sunday of all Sundays, this happened to be communion Sunday. Pastor Lou mentioned that if there was something that stood between you and God, then maybe that might mean you should let the bread and wine pass you by without partaking. A feeling of dread weighted down my stomach. At that point, it was the last thing I needed to hear before I completely broke down. I began to pray. I poured my heart out to God. I let my heart grieve and the tears slip down my face. I felt “stuck.” I didn't want to stay there, but I also didn’t know how to “get out.” The thought of not taking communion terrified me. I felt like everybody would see me and know that I was the black sheep, like the woman caught in adultery and brought before Jesus by the Pharisees. I didn't want to feel that shame, waiting for the first stone to be cast. I debated my options. The tears continued to fall down my face as I decided to participate in communion, and it was then that I heard Jesus speaking to me so clearly it was unmistakable. He brought me back to Isaiah 53. He took me to the cross and said, "Audrey, this is how much I love you. I carried your shame. There’s no need for you to carry it now. That’s why I died. I took your sin upon my own body, and have clothed you with my righteousness, in a robe of spotless white. Your sins are remembered no more. You are forgiven. You were forgiven at the cross 2,000 years ago. I was beaten so you could be made whole. I was whipped so you could be healed. Everything you are suffering now, I have gone before you to suffer in every way that which you would suffer. There is not one tear that I do not understand. I've carried your sorrows and been crushed for your sins. I have been acquainted with deepest grief. I carried the cross. Now, here is my body, broken for you. And here is my blood poured out for you. This is how much I love you. I am the God who gave up my power, my rights, my Father, my home, and my Sonship that you might know my love. There is no love no greater."

I cannot tell you what this has done and meant to my heart, other than breaking me in my brokenness to see how lost and hopeless I would be without Him, and yet He meets me there and shines His love and His light into my heart.

Lord, your love continues to amaze me. How wide, how high and how deep it is!

“Behold what manner of love the Father has given unto us, that we should be called the children of God!” (I John 3:1)
“Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:4, 5)

I need You to love me - BarlowGirl