No Longer One in a Crowd

I have been thinking and journaling on what it means to be a part of the family of God. I look back over my experiences in the many churches I've been through in my short life-time. It saddens me that I experienced some of my deepest wounds in a place that was meant to be a safe place for hurting hearts to come home, to be embraced by others of God's children, and to find hope together in a God that heals and forgives. Instead, I found rejection, legalism, and judgment. I remember the loneliness, the hurt of what if feels to stand from the outside looking in, the exclusion because you "weren't one of them." I am happy to tell you that there was one place in which there was an exception to this general summary I am relating. There was a place where I found love and acceptance among God's people, and that made all the difference in the world to me. I am ever grateful to them, and I love these people dearly. In more recent years I have come to know many people who truly love and care for those who are outside their door. I have found myself as one of those who has been welcomed in. In writing all this, I'm asking myself the question, "How do I reach out in love and warmth to welcome those who are perhaps visiting, those who may be searching for the truth, or those who may be new in the fold?" Do I get so caught up in my own little world made up of the people who I am directly involved with that I don't "see" anyone else outside of that group? Am I so busy trying to keep myself "safe" that I immediately scurry off to some corner where I don't have to relate to anyone? I'm afraid I do this far too often. How is it that people know we are true children of God? By our love. By the love they see among us, and the love we share without us. Oh, how I long to be a divine instrument of His love. Oh, that I may have the strength, the courage that I can only find in Him, to reach out to those He places in my path, those who are searching for the answers to their questions, those who are lost on their way, desperately longing for something more in life. Friends, we HAVE the answer! It is Jesus Christ! We must come alongside those who are wounded and weary and point them to the only One who can satisfy their heart's deepest longings and answer their deepest questions. I have a poem to share, which I wrote awhile back in the beginning of my journey...

One in a Crowd

Comin' through the church doors,
Sittin' in the pew,
Listenin' to the preacher,
I am someone new.

I tag along behind
Someone that I know.
I'm scared to go alone -
I'd end up a "no-show."

Standin' in the sidelines,
Sittin' on a chair,
Watchin' other folks
Talkin' here or there.

They must be well acquainted,
Good friends they all must be.
I wish that I could know them,
But I'm too scared, you see.

I'm afraid of new people,
I'm afraid of new things.
I'm afraid of life
And what it will bring.

Sadly I wonder,
"Is there no place for me?"
The past grips my memory -
Will it this way always be?

I retreat into silence -
Fear shuts the door.
I'm one in a crowd
And nothing more.
a.m.d
October 2007

I am no longer one lost in the crowd, for there is One who has found me.

Daughter's of the King

Just recently, I came home from spending a day in Grand Rapids for an orientation of my upcoming trip to Thailand. I have yet to meet these rescued women, but my heart calls out to them. In learning more of the details of the trip, I am challenged, yet eagerly anticipating the time that is so near at hand. I have always had a deep capacity to feel another's pain, and I long to wrap arms of love around them. Our stories are different, but we share in the pain of brokenness, broken hearts and broken dreams. And we come to the same God who has loved us since before the beginning of time. At the foot of His cross we all meet on level ground. How I love this God who has seen us through our darkest night, who has found us where we have kept ourselves hidden. He is the One who has loved us all our life. His is the sweetest voice that has ever called our name. I would like to share a glimpse into the heart of these women. I hope that it touches your heart as it has mine. Part of what we as a group will be doing is put on a banquet for these precious women. For the first time in their lives, they have the opportunity to experience the delight of being the princess invited to the ball. Tiaras, magic wands, dainty dishes, wedding cake, beautiful gifts, dancing, laughter, an evening of wearing the glass slipper. For many of them it is the first time they walk away glad to be a woman. They find it hard to believe that someone would actually do something nice for them. They ask, "Why do you make us look so good?" when they cannot see inside themselves any beauty or worth. All their lives they've been used, they've been perpetrated against, and all sense of value and worth has been stripped from their souls. This is where the thief, the enemy of our souls, has stepped in to steal, kill, and destroy what God meant as something beautiful and precious, to be cherished and protected. Last year at the banquet, there were women who believed the gift bags with tissue paper peeking out were just for show. Imagine the looks of pure delight upon finding all the treasures they held inside! There was also a beautiful wedding cake setting on a cake table for these beautiful brides of Christ. One girl couldn't believe it was real - her words, "They wouldn't do something like that for us." She was convinced it was cardboard just covered by the layers of frosting. She went to poke the cake to prove to the other girls she was right. Instead, she found that her hand went through the frosting right on into the cake! How delightful a surprise! The story ends here for right now, but there will be more coming!

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God; to comfort all who mourn; to grant to those who mourn in Zion - to give them beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."
Isaiah 61:1-3

Turning Back the Pages

In the Darkness

Some days are dark and filled with fear,
And we've no place to shed a tear.
We wonder what God's planned for us -
It is so hard for us to trust.

Our lives are broken pieces,
And the pain never ceases.
Painful memories flood our minds -
The truth seems so hard to find.

Is there such a thing as love?
How can you say there's a God above?
The battle's raging in our hearts
Striving to tear our lives apart.

The days are long, the nights are dark.
We see no hope for a new start.
The shadows fade away to dawn -
We sigh. Another night is gone.

Why should I stay my life to face
When it is one I can't embrace?
Why don't I end it all right now -
I'll never make it anyhow.

Then Jesus comes and takes my hand
Holds me from the sinking sand.
In the darkness with me cries,
Wipes the tears from my eyes...

a.m.d.
written 11-11-07

He Picked Me Up

With the coming of this new year, I have held and pondered much in my heart. In thinking about the past two years of my life, I stand in speechless amazement where God has brought me from. I am brought to tears remembering back to those darkest days of my life when all I wanted was to die. And I was dying. I didn't believe there was anything left for me. I had lived, and I found nothing worth living for. The pain within me consumed me. The darkness seemed to swallow me. I had sunken to a place of such despair, that nothing or no one could pull me out of that place. The people in my life didn't know how to help me anymore, but they refused to give up on me. On January 19, 2008 I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries for the first time. I will never forget that day. I was 17 and scared to death. The first part of my stay there it didn't seem like anything was changing. In fact, it was like going to hell and back - facing the pain of all that happened to you - things you never believed you would be able to tell anyone. I was locked in such a grip of shame, I could not speak, I could not look up from the floor. But gradually I began to open up, and I found myself embraced by love and acceptance. I found I was not alone. I found that there were still good people in the world. There were people who were compassionate and loving, passing no harsh judgements, people who knew what it was to speak the love of Jesus into a broken life. I found a God who not only loved me, but was also in love with me. I found a God who would wrap His arms around me, who knew me and called me by name before I ever came to be. His love worked itself into my heart little by little, and my life, which had so far been painfully wrapped tight in a bud, began to blossom. I found music in my soul again. I came face to face with a love so perfected, a love that I hadn't dared to believe could possibly exist. I found hope again. Forever my life was changed.

Looking back a year ago, I found myself in another dark place. My heart had been hurt and disappointed once again, and I had fallen for the lies of the enemy who refused to give up on his attempt to destroy my life. I ended up in the hospital for 10 days. I felt so much shame and condemnation for having ended up in the same pit I thought I had been pulled out of, but that's when God started going in deep, deep into the recesses of my heart where there were doors I had shut out that I hadn't even realized existed. He drew me back to Him once more, and I came to know Him in a deeper way. He has been with me through the darkness of it all, the pain, the brokenness, even when I couldn't understand. I learned to trust Him more, to take Him at His word, to choose life over death, truth over lies, and my heart has been changed. I am a free(er) person than I was before. I have found that the joy of the Lord truly is my strength, no matter what my circumstances may be. I have an unexplainable peace and joy that can only be from Him. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for how He has taken care of me, loved me, how He has held and healed my heart in more ways than I could ever tell. I have not words enough to express my heart, only in the simplest words of saying "Thank-you." Thank-you Jesus. My heart, my life is Yours.

Thank-You

I am writing to thank each one of you who have prayerfully and/or financially contributed to make it possible for me to travel to Thailand as part of a mission team ministering to wounded women. I am excited to tell you that because of your gifts, I have reached the $4,000 goal, which covers the cost of the trip! I now have my airline ticket to Thailand and back. I am excited because I know God has gone before me, and He has made this possible. When I started this endeavor, to tell the truth, I didn't have a whole lot of faith. I figured I'd just try it out and see what happened. I was exploring my options, and I thought this could end up at a dead-end road, just like any other. To the human eye it looked as if all the odds were against me. I was late sending in my application. I was late sending out my support letters. I knew no one who would be on this trip. I had never traveled overseas before. I had no idea of the unknown that lay ahead of me. Despite these 'odds', if you wish to call them that, God has come through in a miraculous way. I am continually amazed! I would like to share one such provision. It was the second week of December, the deadline for needed funds was Dec. 28, and I still needed around $350. Nothing had come in for several weeks, and I knew I needed to purchase my plane ticket sooner rather than later, if I didn't want to pay an exorbitant price. So I decided I would send in the needed amount. The next morning I wrote out a check for $347, and placed it in a stamped and addressed envelope. I laid it aside to carry outside later because I did not want to face the cold outdoors so early in the morning. As the day passed, it totally slipped my mind, until it was too late to send out that day. I was like, "Oh, well, I'll do it tomorrow." A few minutes later I checked my email, and found one waiting for me to tell me some funds had come in, and I had reached the 4K mark! I felt so blessed (and excited!)! God's timing and provision were exactly what I needed.

Unveiling the Truth

It's been a long time since I've written here on this blog, but that doesn't mean I've quit writing! I find it easier to express myself in my journals, and then I am free to write whatever is on my heart without the whole world being able to view it. It is then between my God and I.

I have a renewed purpose for writing and giving updates for you, my friends, to read. As many of you know, I am going to be in Thailand with a group of women from Women at Risk, International, and we will be there 11 days visiting and ministering to several safe houses of women, as well as an orphanage for at-risk young girls. This will be an entirely new experience for me, and I would be ever so grateful for your prayers as I embark on this new endeavor God has opened for me. I will be writing some basic information about Women at Risk, and their ministry to women across the planet.

Women at Risk, International

"Every 2-4 years the
world looks away from a
victim count on the scale
of Hitler's Holocaust."
Women in this world of
ours face nothing short of a...

Hidden Gendercide
-The Economist

The Problem

800,000 people
are illegally trafficked
against their will every
year. 50% are children. 70%
of the women are sold into sexual
slavery chained to beds of horror.
-US State Department

The new
Slavery...
Human
Trafficking, is
The fastest growing
Segment of organized
crime. 100,000 are trafficked
Inside America. -FBI

Women at Risk, International seeks to wrap arms of love around wounded women to offer a message of hope and clothe them with dignity to restore their lives. Their passion as a ministry is to give voice to the silenced cries of women of the world and offer a safe place to turn crisis into a story of hope.

"When one turns to the
Lord, the veil is taken
away...Where the Spirit
of the Lord is, there is
freedom...We with
UNVEILED FACES
All reflect the
Lord's glory!
2 Cor. 3:1 6

Whether here in our own neighborhood or somewhere across the ocean, Women at Risk provides safe houses and women's centers for shelter, as well as education, job skills training, and life skills. All across the world women are being enabled to work with dignity and provide for themselves. These women are finding hope and an ability to dream again, as the God of the impossible delights in the opportunities where He can bring us TO HOPE AGAIN.