He Picked Me Up

With the coming of this new year, I have held and pondered much in my heart. In thinking about the past two years of my life, I stand in speechless amazement where God has brought me from. I am brought to tears remembering back to those darkest days of my life when all I wanted was to die. And I was dying. I didn't believe there was anything left for me. I had lived, and I found nothing worth living for. The pain within me consumed me. The darkness seemed to swallow me. I had sunken to a place of such despair, that nothing or no one could pull me out of that place. The people in my life didn't know how to help me anymore, but they refused to give up on me. On January 19, 2008 I walked through the doors of Mercy Ministries for the first time. I will never forget that day. I was 17 and scared to death. The first part of my stay there it didn't seem like anything was changing. In fact, it was like going to hell and back - facing the pain of all that happened to you - things you never believed you would be able to tell anyone. I was locked in such a grip of shame, I could not speak, I could not look up from the floor. But gradually I began to open up, and I found myself embraced by love and acceptance. I found I was not alone. I found that there were still good people in the world. There were people who were compassionate and loving, passing no harsh judgements, people who knew what it was to speak the love of Jesus into a broken life. I found a God who not only loved me, but was also in love with me. I found a God who would wrap His arms around me, who knew me and called me by name before I ever came to be. His love worked itself into my heart little by little, and my life, which had so far been painfully wrapped tight in a bud, began to blossom. I found music in my soul again. I came face to face with a love so perfected, a love that I hadn't dared to believe could possibly exist. I found hope again. Forever my life was changed.

Looking back a year ago, I found myself in another dark place. My heart had been hurt and disappointed once again, and I had fallen for the lies of the enemy who refused to give up on his attempt to destroy my life. I ended up in the hospital for 10 days. I felt so much shame and condemnation for having ended up in the same pit I thought I had been pulled out of, but that's when God started going in deep, deep into the recesses of my heart where there were doors I had shut out that I hadn't even realized existed. He drew me back to Him once more, and I came to know Him in a deeper way. He has been with me through the darkness of it all, the pain, the brokenness, even when I couldn't understand. I learned to trust Him more, to take Him at His word, to choose life over death, truth over lies, and my heart has been changed. I am a free(er) person than I was before. I have found that the joy of the Lord truly is my strength, no matter what my circumstances may be. I have an unexplainable peace and joy that can only be from Him. I am overwhelmed with gratitude for how He has taken care of me, loved me, how He has held and healed my heart in more ways than I could ever tell. I have not words enough to express my heart, only in the simplest words of saying "Thank-you." Thank-you Jesus. My heart, my life is Yours.