Transparent Heart
Have you ever felt the fear that if people really knew you, that if they really discovered the “real” you, that they wouldn't love you? I have, often. Yet I find that when I dare to speak out, it gives others the courage to speak out as well. I once read that the reason we tell our stories is to give courage to others to share theirs. Thus, we find that we are not alone in our battles.
This morning in Sunday school it hit me when I heard the statement that how we gird ourselves with the belt of truth is by being honest with God and with people. I can handle the being honest with God part - He knows it all anyway. But people? In my shame, I tend to hide. I avoid the very people I need to love me the most. But, this is a very lonely, very desolate place to be, one where my heart begins to shut down and leaves only a dull ache in its stead.
During class, we never got to the third question in our discussion where it asked if someone would be willing to share a recent time when the Spirit convicted you, and gave you the opportunity to practice 1 John 1:9 - " But if we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."
I would like to share with you a time how I personally experienced this a couple weeks prior on what happened to be a Sunday as well. I was having a difficult day. I was struggling. I felt shame. I felt unworthiness. And Sunday of all Sundays, this happened to be communion Sunday. Pastor Lou mentioned that if there was something that stood between you and God, then maybe that might mean you should let the bread and wine pass you by without partaking. A feeling of dread weighted down my stomach. At that point, it was the last thing I needed to hear before I completely broke down. I began to pray. I poured my heart out to God. I let my heart grieve and the tears slip down my face. I felt “stuck.” I didn't want to stay there, but I also didn’t know how to “get out.” The thought of not taking communion terrified me. I felt like everybody would see me and know that I was the black sheep, like the woman caught in adultery and brought before Jesus by the Pharisees. I didn't want to feel that shame, waiting for the first stone to be cast. I debated my options. The tears continued to fall down my face as I decided to participate in communion, and it was then that I heard Jesus speaking to me so clearly it was unmistakable. He brought me back to Isaiah 53. He took me to the cross and said, "Audrey, this is how much I love you. I carried your shame. There’s no need for you to carry it now. That’s why I died. I took your sin upon my own body, and have clothed you with my righteousness, in a robe of spotless white. Your sins are remembered no more. You are forgiven. You were forgiven at the cross 2,000 years ago. I was beaten so you could be made whole. I was whipped so you could be healed. Everything you are suffering now, I have gone before you to suffer in every way that which you would suffer. There is not one tear that I do not understand. I've carried your sorrows and been crushed for your sins. I have been acquainted with deepest grief. I carried the cross. Now, here is my body, broken for you. And here is my blood poured out for you. This is how much I love you. I am the God who gave up my power, my rights, my Father, my home, and my Sonship that you might know my love. There is no love no greater."
I cannot tell you what this has done and meant to my heart, other than breaking me in my brokenness to see how lost and hopeless I would be without Him, and yet He meets me there and shines His love and His light into my heart.
Lord, your love continues to amaze me. How wide, how high and how deep it is!
“Behold what manner of love the Father has given unto us, that we should be called the children of God!” (I John 3:1)
“Surely he took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows, yet we considered him stricken by God, smitten by him, and afflicted. But he was pierced for our transgressions, he was crushed for our iniquities; the punishment that brought us peace was upon him, and by his wounds we are healed.” (Isaiah 53:4, 5)
